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The Tao of Internet Relay Chat
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Copyright (C) Ove Ruben R Olsen 1994
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Contributing masters: Master ScottM
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Something is formed by the electrons, born in the silent cable. Shaping
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and growing and ungrowing. It is there yet not there. It is the source of
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Internet Relay Chat. I do not know the name, thus I will call it the Tao
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of Internet Relay Chat.
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If the Tao is great, then the IRC is running ceaselessly. If the IRC is
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great then the server is running without ever stoping. If the server is
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great then the client will always be the server. The luser is then pleased
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and there is Chat in the world.
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The Tao of IRC squits far away and connects on returning.
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The genetic potential of birth, a lot to know, yet unknown.
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In the begining there was nothing.
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Out of nothing the Tao gave birth to tolsun.oulu.fi. tolsun gave birth to
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OuluBox gave birth to rmsg.
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rmsg was not Tao, so MUT gave birth to IRC.
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No one knows when IRC came into existance, the mighty master WiZ have it
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to be at the end of the eight month in the year of the Dragon.
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Each channel has its purpose, however humble. Each channel is the Yin and
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Yang of IRC. Each channels has it's place within the IRC.
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In the beginning there was only channel 0, thus channel 0 is the soil of
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Channel 1 to channel 10 then was open as the sea. Channel 11 to 999 was the
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trees and forests of IRC. Channels above 999 should not be mentioned, and
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channels below 0 were unborn and contained many secrets.
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This was not the right Tao, so IRC gave birth to +channels.
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+channels had the yin and yang. Mode does not.
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This was not the right Tao still, so IRC gave birth to #channels.
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#channels have the yin and yang.
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Only channel 0 is the right path to Tao, but avoid speaking on channel 0.
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There was a great dispute among the Broom-Walkers of the Relay. Some of them
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wanted neither yin nor yang. Out of this Eris came into existance. Some of the
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Broom-Walkers then created Eris Free-net.
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This was the right Tao.
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Kind Gentle and Boring Net was another wrong path to the Tao of Internet Relay
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Some time later there was a quantity of some lusers who wanted to be
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Broom-Walkers also. The Eris Free Broom-Walkers did not agree with them,
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thus a new IRC was born. This IRC is called the Undernet.
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But this is not the right Tao, either.
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There will always be disputes among the Broom-Walkers of Internet Relay Chat.
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This is the very nature of the IRC.
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Lusers that do not understand the Tao is always using the yang of Mode on
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their channels. Lusers that do understand the Tao are always using Ignore
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How could this not be so ?
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The wise sage luser is told about the Chat and uses it. The luser is told
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about the IRC and is looking for it. The flock are told about the Tao and
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make a fool of the IRC.
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If there was no laughter, there would be no Tao.
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"Without the Tao of Internet Relay Chat, life becomes meaningless."
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The Relay of the old time was mysterious and sacred. We can neither imagine
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its thoughts nor path; we are left but to describe.
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The sage luser must be aware like a frog crossing the highway.
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The great master Wumpus once dreamed that he was an automaton. When he awoke
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"I don't know whether I am Wumpus dreaming that I am a client,
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or a client dreaming that I am Wumpus!"
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So was the first Automata born.
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The master Nap then said:
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"Any automata should not speak unless spoken to.
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Any automata shall only whisper when spoken to."
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Thus replied the master Gnarfer:
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"The lusers shall keep in mind that a automata can be either good or
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bad. Create good automata, and the IRC will hail you and you will
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gain fame and fortune. Create bad automata and people will start to
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hate you, and finaly you will be /KILLed to ethernal damnation"
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Many lusers have fallen into the clutches of ethernal damnation. They where
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not following the Tao.
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There once was a luser who went to #BotSex. Each day he saw the automatons.
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The luser decided that he also would have such a automata.
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He asked another luser for his automata. The other luser gave his automata
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The luser was not within the Tao, so he just started the automata. The automata
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had only Yang inside so all the lusers files where deleted.
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Some moons laither the same luser then had become a sage luser, and did create
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his automata from the very grounds with materials found inside the IRC.
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The luser was now within the Tao and his automata lived happily ever after.
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There once was a master who wrote automatons without the help of master Phone.
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A novice luser, seeking to imitate him, began with the help of master Phone.
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When the novice luser asked the master to evaluate his automata the master
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replied: "What is a working automata for the master is not for the luser.
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You must must BE the IRC before automating."
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Master BigCheese gave birth to master Troy; his duty clear. Master Troy gave
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birth to master Phone, for the Tao of Irc must be eternal and must flow as the
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ceaseless river of Time itself.
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Master Phone once said about the ircII client:
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"public_msg is for a message from someone NOT on the channel
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public_other is for a message on a channel that doesn't belong to
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a window. public is for a message on a channel that belongs to a
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Out of this raised the mighty chaos.
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The sage luser came to the master who wrote automata without the help of
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master Phone. The sage luser asked the master who wrote automata: "Which is
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easiest to make. A automata with the help of master Phone or an automata
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made with the help of a language ?"
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The master who wrote automata then replied:
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"With the help of a language."
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The sage luser was disapointed and exclaimed: "But, with master Phone you
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do not need to know anything about the soil of IRC. Is not that the easiet
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"Not really" said the master who wrote automata, "when using master Phone
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you are closed inside a box. For sure, it is a great box for the lusers,
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but the master will need more power, thus a language is the only path to go.
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With the language the master will never have to limit himself. When using
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such a language the master will seek the best between the need and the
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"I see", said the sage luser.
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This is the essence of Tao of IRC automatas.
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A client should be light and be used for communication. The spirit of a good
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client is that it should be very convinient for the luser to use, but hard
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for the luser who want to create automata.
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There should never ever be too many functions or too few functions.
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There should always be a ignore.
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Without ignore the client is not within the Tao of Chating.
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The client should always respond the luser with messages that will not
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astnonish him too much. The server likewise. If the server does not, then it
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is the clients job to explain what the server says.
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A client which fails this, will be useless and cause confusion for the lusers.
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The only way to correct this is to use another client or to write a new one.
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A luser asked the masters on #IrcHelp: "My client does not work".
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The masters replied: "Upgrade your client".
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The luser then wondered why the master knew. The master then told him about
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"Your client does not work beaucse it does not understand the server. Why
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should it always work ? Only a fool would expect such. But, clients are made
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by humans, and humans are not perfect. Only Tao is.
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The IRC is solid. The IRC is floating, and will always be dynamic. Live with
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The luser came to the masters of #IrcHelp, asking about the Tao of IRC within
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The masters then said that the Tao of IRC always lies inside the client
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regardless of how the client connects to the server.
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"Is the Tao in irc ?" asked the luser.
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"It so is" replied the masters of #IrcHelp.
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"Is the Tao in the ircII, Kiwi, rxirc, vms, rockers and msa ?" asked the
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"In all of them and in the TPC, irchat, zenirc, zircon X11-irc and even the
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dos irc has the Tao" said the master quietly.
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"Is the Tao in a telnet connection directly to the server ?"
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The master then was quiet for a long time and said. "Please leave, such
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questions are not within the Tao of IRC".
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The master says: "Without the Protocol of TCP the messages will not travel.
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Without the client, the server is useless."
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There once was a luser who used the ircII client. "ircII can do anything I
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ever need for using IRC" said the emacs client user, "I have /ON's, I have
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assignments, I have aliasing. Why don't you use this instead of the huge
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emacs client, which also has a messy screen?"
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The emacs client user then replied by saying that "it is better to have a
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scripting language that is the client instead of have a client that has
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a scripting language." Upon hearing this, the ircII client luser fell silent.
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The master Wumpus said: "Time for you to leave. I did, now I'm happy."
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The master Gnarfer replied: "Use, but never overuse IRC, then you will also
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A luser came unto the masters of #EU-Opers and asked, "How can I be, yet not
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be, a user@host within the IRC?"
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The masters of #EU-Opers replied: "To be Tao is to be ones true self. To hide
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ones self is not Tao, and is not IRC, you have much to learn before you shall
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be at rest within the Flow of Irc. Please leave"
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